White Noise by Mercedes Mercier

Author:Mercedes Mercier [Mercier, Mercedes]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2022-04-21T00:00:00+00:00

28

I make it to the car before the memories overwhelm me. His face when he looked at me. Scorn, disgust, pure rage. His wife at my feet, her body cooling. My partner, dead. The knowledge that he was going to kill me too, and there was nothing I could do about it.

The pressure in my ear increases. It feels like my ear canal is expanding inside my skull. I slap it with the palm of my hand. No change. I drop my ear to my shoulder and flick my head up and down, as if I’m trying to dislodge seawater after a swim. Nothing.

His rough hands, hard around my neck. The high-pitched screaming that filled my head as he squeezed. My lungs on fire. My vision turning red.

I can’t bear it. I drop my head into my hands and drag my fingernails through my hair. My chest is tight. Black dots dance across my vision.

I turn the car on so the podcast starts up again. Jeffrey Dahmer’s ending is rattled off by one of the women. Beaten to death by a fellow inmate in prison. I try to focus on the crimes he was famous for. Murdering and dismembering seventeen boys and men. Necrophilia. Cannibalism.

It’s working. Reciting his horrific rap sheet takes my mind off the attack. My chest loosens and my heart rate slows. I can breathe easier now. My ear finally pops and the ringing quietens a bit.

My arms slide down to the seat, feeling like jelly. I flop back against the headrest, eyes closed. The podcast is too loud, but I don’t have the energy to turn it down.

When will it stop being like this? I’m doing all the right things. I’m using established tools to help during my panic attacks. I can recognise when one is about to happen. I know when they’re likely to occur and try to manage my stress to prevent them. And it’s been working. They’d been occurring a whole lot less – every few months, instead of almost daily, but lately they’ve been increasing in frequency again. I know it’s because of the pressure I’m under, but I just have to keep going.

By the time I arrive at Westmead, I’m almost fully recovered. Which is good, because I need to speak to Justin. And I need all my strength to face him.

Technically, I shouldn’t be having any more sessions with him. I should be concentrating on writing the report, like Michael instructed. But if asked, I figure I can say I’m confirming some of Liz’s details for the report. I’m sure Michael wouldn’t be thrilled, but he’d let it slide.

I need to ask Justin about the footage. The fact that he didn’t take any money when he had the opportunity, despite saying he went to the Star Mart purely to rob it, doesn’t add up. The fact that he continued to attack Theo Makris instead of making a run for it feels personal.

I’ve requested a short-notice appointment, knowing Justin won’t be able to resist seeing the result of his complaint.

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